K: Ok, let me get this straight. Entire fields, row upon row of little extra-furry babies growing out of the ground?

Z: Right. Genetically modified Mongolian babies, with long silky hair growing all over them. These babies, they never grow old and they don’t really have much of a brain. They just exist to grow the hair, which is then harvested by the stereotypical “men in mint-green rubber suits and gas-masks”.

K: So you are saying that this is what Charmin toilet paper is made out of. Genetically modified mongolian baby hair.

Z: Exactly. Pure evil. That stuff is just too goddamned soft to be anything but pure evil. We are all going to hell. And I’m pretty sure there will be a special place in hell for people that buy Charmin toilet paper. Especially those new “extra gigantic rolls”. Those things freak. Me. OUT.

K: Oh, I know! What is this world coming to, when we have to use a special “toilet paper dispenser extender” thingy because the new roll is just TOO FREAKIN’ BIG to fit in there without it?

Z: I don’t know, man, but I’m seriously thinking of moving to a country where they don’t use toilet paper. It’s just getting too weird here.